1. You are stronger than you realise.
  2. You are crueller than you realise.
  3. The smallest words will break your heart.
  4. You will change. You’re not the same person you were three years ago. You’re not even the same person you were three minutes ago and that’s okay. Especially if you don’t like the person you were three minutes ago.
  5. People come and go. Some are cigarette breaks, others are forest fires.
  6. You won’t like your name until you hear someone say it in their sleep.
  7. You’ll forget your email password but ten years from now you’ll still remember the number of steps up to his flat.
  8. You don’t have to open the curtains if you don’t want to.
  9. Never stop yourself texting someone. If you love them at 4 a.m., tell them. If you still love them at 9.30 a.m., tell them again.
  10. Make sure you have a safe place. Whether it’s the kitchen floor or the Travel section of a bookshop, just make sure you have a safe place.
  11. You will be scared of all kinds of things, of spiders and clowns and eating alone, but your biggest fear will be that people will see you the way you see yourself.
  12. Sometimes, looking at someone will be like looking into the sun. Sometimes someone will look at you like you are the sun. Wait for it.
  13. You will learn how to sleep alone, how to avoid the cold corners but still fill a bed.
  14. Always be friends with the broken people. They know how to survive.
  15. You can love someone and hate them, all at once. You can miss them so much you ache but still ignore your phone when they call.
  16. You are good at something, whether it’s making someone laugh or remembering their birthday. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that these things don’t matter.
  17. You will always be hungry for love. Always. Even when someone is asleep next to you you’ll envy the pillow touching their cheek and the sheet hiding their skin.
  18. Loneliness is nothing to do with how many people are around you but how many of them understand you.
  19. People say I love you all the time. Even when they say, ‘Why didn’t you call me back?’ or ‘He’s an asshole.’ Make sure you’re listening.
  20. You will be okay.
  21. You will be okay.

For a long time, I promised myself that I would not let
beautiful people with titanium hearts
tattoo themselves on my lungs.
But here we are, tripping out of this
goddamn nightmare again.
I wish I could rip off my skin
and make it into something that you’ve never touched, see,
even my bruises groan your name at three a.m.,
waking me up from dreams where you’re not my wrecking ball.
I drank three cups of coffee today to have an excuse
for shaking over you, but the anger came anyway.
I pretend all this screaming is getting you out of my system,
but we both know we left it too late for me not to shatter.
When you retell this story, I will be the villain.
I know this because that’s how it’s happened every time,
with the blame pinned down my spine.
Yes, you like your girls funny, but you only know
how to make them sad, and that’s where the hard nights came in,
with your voice a flat line on the heart monitor,
saying words that made you sound dead inside.
I saw you as a person, you saw me as a way to kill time.
Now I’m fucking beating my poetry to death,
trying to make something other than you come out,
but I end up puking your name onto the page
like you’ve ingrained it into my bones.
This is not your home. Do not turn me into an elegy,
I am so much better than that.
Ever since I met you, every poem’s worn your face,
and I tried to make this one about anything but your smile
and all the lies that led us here,
but you’re still my stigmata.

Every fucking time, Goddamn it.

If they do not make you feel like they are ready to rope the moon and give it to you at any moment, they are not worth your time.
I have never been so low in thoughts before. I can’t explain this ache. I don’t know why this happened, or even how. I became nothing to everyone. I became nothing to myself.
I’m sorry. Don’t make me beg. Please. I just want to feel whole again. I want this pain to go away. Don’t make me beg. Just come help me out. Is that too much to ask for? For your kindness and compassion when I’m so low I ought to drown in my own thoughts. I need this. I need help. Don’t make me beg. I won’t.
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